Wednesday, March 5, 2014

We're Going To Need A Miracle

Well, as I suspected, all attempts with third party help for my infertility were futile. Looking back, I realize I should've just got a boob job, instead. All the money we essentially just threw out the window on the treatments would've been better spent on a set of twins in the form of saline implants.

As far as adoption goes, I have no idea how on earth we are supposed to come up with the funds. It's going to literally take a miracle. We are now in the hole big time. There's money being set aside but it is such a tiny amount that it seems impossible. I know I'm supposed to have faith that God will make it happen, but I admit it's very difficult to do so when feeling such despair and loss. Because that's exactly what this feels like. A big fat loss. It kind of feels like mourning, even though no one has died. It's also kind of difficult to remain faithful when your spouse is the biggest Doubting Thomas over anything that concerns money. It has always been this way and I admit, as far as money is concerned, I am his polar opposite. I am terrible with it. It burns holes in my pocket. At some point though, we have got to 'pee or get off the pot' as my mother used to say. I'm ready to start the ball rolling and he's so paralyzed with sticker shock that he may just give up before we've even started. If we end up not adopting, it will likely be simply because he cannot see past the price tag. This makes me angry. Like, really really angry. It is my opinion that the blessing of having a child is priceless and we should be doing everything we can in spite of the obstacle of money, or the lack of it. I am no fool, I know that adoption is expensive, time consuming and emotionally and mentally taxing. But what about the value of having a family of our own? Am I foolish for even thinking this way? Am I being naive?

Right now, I don't know if I can take no for an answer on this one. There is a lot of heavy stuff to think about in the coming months. I may have to put my big girl panties on and do it on my own. I'm not getting any younger and I'm tired of other people's ideas about matters of faith and family dictate the choices I make.

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