Friday, January 3, 2014

What Lies Ahead

I really expected to be more of a blogger last year. I guess I'm just too distracted to keep up. The intention was to blog about our journey in trying to start a family but it seems, in light of the terrible struggles we have faced, I figured even though there are only four followers and not much traffic as far as readers are concerned, I didn't want to be a Debbie Downer. Obviously things haven't turned out as we were hoping and I didn't want to be a complainer. Know what I mean?

For those who aren't in the know, all of our efforts have failed. Miserably. I have moments where I get angry and bitter, and then I swing the other direction entirely and get my hopes up. It's been a sort of back and forth. I still can't be out and about in public too much because I never know when the sight of a pregnant woman or a cute little girl that would be about Jessie Mae's age now is going to set me off into a crying fit. You know, that ugly cry? Not a nice thing to go down in public. And for someone who lives with Bipolar Disorder unmedicated, I figured I'd spare everyone the gory details. Since my last post on the matter we have been through treatments with fertility drugs and then a combination of the drugs with 2 failed IUI attempts. At this point we are financially wrecked and I even have to go find a job. Not too happy about that. This also means that no IVF will be happening since the cheapest form of third party help available has broken us.

During this time, I feel like through much prayer and contemplation,  I have received a very blatant message from the Lord himself that I never expected to get. Quite frankly, it was never ever on my radar. I am talking about adoption. This is where we are at at this point in our journey. Seriously contemplating and exploring our options with adopting a child. If anyone had asked me when we started all this mess if I would consider adoption, I scoffed at the idea. Now I see how much of a true control freak I really am. And, since figuring out that I tend to run from God's direction for me as much as Jonah ran from him all those years ago, everywhere I look, something relating to adoption pops up to remind me. It's as if I'm running a race, trying desperately to win it my way and God is standing on the sidelines waving big flags trying to get my attention.

Well, He certainly has it now. That's for sure. I have no idea what lies ahead for us, but I think I can safely say that having children who are biologically ours is out of the question. Am I ok with that? I'm working on it. My plan, which I know is futile, is to try one more time with the IUI because the husband and I agreed to three attempts, but in the meantime, I have changed direction with the Etsy shop. From this point on, any profits from it will be stashed away in a savings account while we explore adoption agencies and consider fostering options, too. I know that any attempts to choose my will over Christ's will for our lives is a huge mistake. His plans are usually more rewarding, anyway.

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