Wednesday, March 5, 2014

We're Going To Need A Miracle

Well, as I suspected, all attempts with third party help for my infertility were futile. Looking back, I realize I should've just got a boob job, instead. All the money we essentially just threw out the window on the treatments would've been better spent on a set of twins in the form of saline implants.

As far as adoption goes, I have no idea how on earth we are supposed to come up with the funds. It's going to literally take a miracle. We are now in the hole big time. There's money being set aside but it is such a tiny amount that it seems impossible. I know I'm supposed to have faith that God will make it happen, but I admit it's very difficult to do so when feeling such despair and loss. Because that's exactly what this feels like. A big fat loss. It kind of feels like mourning, even though no one has died. It's also kind of difficult to remain faithful when your spouse is the biggest Doubting Thomas over anything that concerns money. It has always been this way and I admit, as far as money is concerned, I am his polar opposite. I am terrible with it. It burns holes in my pocket. At some point though, we have got to 'pee or get off the pot' as my mother used to say. I'm ready to start the ball rolling and he's so paralyzed with sticker shock that he may just give up before we've even started. If we end up not adopting, it will likely be simply because he cannot see past the price tag. This makes me angry. Like, really really angry. It is my opinion that the blessing of having a child is priceless and we should be doing everything we can in spite of the obstacle of money, or the lack of it. I am no fool, I know that adoption is expensive, time consuming and emotionally and mentally taxing. But what about the value of having a family of our own? Am I foolish for even thinking this way? Am I being naive?

Right now, I don't know if I can take no for an answer on this one. There is a lot of heavy stuff to think about in the coming months. I may have to put my big girl panties on and do it on my own. I'm not getting any younger and I'm tired of other people's ideas about matters of faith and family dictate the choices I make.

Friday, January 3, 2014

Road Trip! (the lost blog post)

Wow. I just found this blog draft dated from October 2012. Obviously, I completely forgot about it and have no idea why it was never finished. So, here it is, in all its unfinished, distracted glory!:

So, obviously there was no Work Table Wednesday post..

That is because I am 987 miles away from my work table.  Ever since Jessie died, I have been needing to just get in a car and drive away. As far as possible. I remember while being in the hospital I was getting really bored and 2 things that I wished I could do (but couldn't at the time) is dye my hair pink for a while and drive to NY to see my cousins.

So, I did it. I'm sure there are plenty of photos because it was an amazing trip, and it sure was awesome to see most of my cousins whom I haven't seen since 1991! Maybe I'll remember to blog about my next trip. Which I hope will be around Christmas time! 

What Lies Ahead

I really expected to be more of a blogger last year. I guess I'm just too distracted to keep up. The intention was to blog about our journey in trying to start a family but it seems, in light of the terrible struggles we have faced, I figured even though there are only four followers and not much traffic as far as readers are concerned, I didn't want to be a Debbie Downer. Obviously things haven't turned out as we were hoping and I didn't want to be a complainer. Know what I mean?

For those who aren't in the know, all of our efforts have failed. Miserably. I have moments where I get angry and bitter, and then I swing the other direction entirely and get my hopes up. It's been a sort of back and forth. I still can't be out and about in public too much because I never know when the sight of a pregnant woman or a cute little girl that would be about Jessie Mae's age now is going to set me off into a crying fit. You know, that ugly cry? Not a nice thing to go down in public. And for someone who lives with Bipolar Disorder unmedicated, I figured I'd spare everyone the gory details. Since my last post on the matter we have been through treatments with fertility drugs and then a combination of the drugs with 2 failed IUI attempts. At this point we are financially wrecked and I even have to go find a job. Not too happy about that. This also means that no IVF will be happening since the cheapest form of third party help available has broken us.

During this time, I feel like through much prayer and contemplation,  I have received a very blatant message from the Lord himself that I never expected to get. Quite frankly, it was never ever on my radar. I am talking about adoption. This is where we are at at this point in our journey. Seriously contemplating and exploring our options with adopting a child. If anyone had asked me when we started all this mess if I would consider adoption, I scoffed at the idea. Now I see how much of a true control freak I really am. And, since figuring out that I tend to run from God's direction for me as much as Jonah ran from him all those years ago, everywhere I look, something relating to adoption pops up to remind me. It's as if I'm running a race, trying desperately to win it my way and God is standing on the sidelines waving big flags trying to get my attention.

Well, He certainly has it now. That's for sure. I have no idea what lies ahead for us, but I think I can safely say that having children who are biologically ours is out of the question. Am I ok with that? I'm working on it. My plan, which I know is futile, is to try one more time with the IUI because the husband and I agreed to three attempts, but in the meantime, I have changed direction with the Etsy shop. From this point on, any profits from it will be stashed away in a savings account while we explore adoption agencies and consider fostering options, too. I know that any attempts to choose my will over Christ's will for our lives is a huge mistake. His plans are usually more rewarding, anyway.