Saturday, October 13, 2012

Road Trip

Well, today there is much activity in the house. I am making last minute preparations to rent a car and drive the 986 miles to NY to visit family. Amidst the chaos of laundry, cleaning, brow waxing, Etsy updating and 2 rambunctious Pit Bulls I am a ball of nerves.

It's not like I've never taken a long road  trip solo before. I have taken quite a few. My first lengthy solo trip was in 2005 to Philadelphia, but for some reason, this one has got my stomach just churning and I find it completely ridiculous. I know where it is coming from and it is embarrassing to admit but here goes...

Ever since Jessie died, I am completely terrified to be away from my husband for more than 24 hours. All of my usual ridiculous(but very real) phobias have been magnified but this one in particular has magnified itself in epic proportion. I find myself thinking all the silly "what ifs" and it's getting worse the closer I get to Monday morning. "What if something terrible happens while he's at work?", "what if  he pulls over someone with a tail light out only to discover he is a wanted killer who doesn't want to go back to prison?". Those are the normal what ifs that I have gotten used to over the years since he went into Law Enforcement. I got used to that at some point and those thoughts (although completely justifiable because it is a possibility) became more of just background noise. But ever since the loss of our daughter, I find them no longer background noise but loud screaming tangents that need to STFU but won't.

With this trip to NY, I will be gone for about 9 days and I am starting to panic. It has now escalated to "what if I get in a wreck and die in God knows what state?", "what if something happens while I am gone and I can't get back fast enough?" and on and on it goes.

Ridiculous, isn't it? Here I am, getting ready to go see family, some of whom I haven't seen since at least 1991 and I am completely terrified instead of excited. The first thing I wanted to do once some of the fog of grief lifted (besides dye my hair bright pink) was to get in the car and drive. Far away. By myself.

I am 2 days away from doing just that and now it seems like the scariest thing ever. And then, on the other hand, I think of my husbands ex girl friend who is in town from Arizona (on her way to Philly) and she drives solo all over the country all the time. I'm trying to tell myself "Well, if she can do it, so can I." But so far, it doesn't seem to make the fear and anxiety any less annoying. And if the reality is, that I'll most likely make it there in one piece and have a lot of fun, why on earth should I be freaking out right now? If this is part of that "new normal" everyone keeps telling me I have to accept,  Idon't want it. It's seriously cramping my style.

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