Monday, April 9, 2012

A New Beginning

There have been many developments taking place for us over the last few months since the loss of our daughter. Some have been disappointing but many have been strangely wonderful, exciting, stressful and inspiring all at the same time.

I think that, somehow the loss of our child has altered our perceptions about what we truly want for our children if we have any that can survive such a high risk pregnancy. It has definitely given me the chance to reflect on what kind of environment is ideal for nurturing a healthy, happy family. Should we be blessed with the chance to have another child (or two, I hope) I found myself asking the questions "Do I really want to be living in a county that has some of the worst schools in the entire state?", "What would it have really been like to bring Jessie Mae home to a neighborhood that has become less than ideal?".

It turns out, that my husband had also been questioning many things himself and had decided that it was best if we move to a new home in a better area. I can honestly say, that at first I was resistant to the idea in spite of all my doubts because I absolutely LOVE the mid century modern house we are in. Emotionally attached, really. I began to get panicky at the thought of it. I was angry and hurt, but knew the decision was really not up to me and agreed to just go look for something else in spite of how I felt. So, we began the hunt online and I spent days driving all over the Central and North Georgia area in search of something new. What that "new" would be, I had no idea. I just knew I wasn't going to find anything that "has the same quirks and beautiful hard wood ceilings and brick work" that this house has. Or, so I thought. At the end of each house hunt, I would literally start bawling and crying uncontrollably as soon as I pulled my beat up Honda into the carport. I felt as if I was "cheating" on my lovely 70's split level.

Silly. Isn't it? It wasn't long before we found something that caught our interest in a very unexpected way. And almost instantly, my fears and doubts were replaced with a sense of hope for the future and a new and very different idea of what I thought I wanted. I prayed, begged and pleaded with God to please, please, please lead us to a house that has the same architectural elements of the house I love so much. A house that my husband can come home to after work and be happy, content and decompress after a stressful day doing a very under appreciated job. And no sooner than the moment I decided to "Let go and let God", his plan for us began to reveal itself.

These things most certainly blow my mind when they happen. The whole "Let go and let God..." way of thinking isn't exactly comfortable or easy. As a self confessed control freak, the thought of letting someone else take the wheel and drive is about as appealing to me as a root canal. I am not at all a religious fanatic, I don't dare claim to be perfect or even a "good Christian"(there is no such thing and I hate that phrase). I don't like the idea of someone forcing their unsolicited advice about matters of faith on me. Yet, every time I just give up and say to him:

"Alright dude, you say you always have our back no matter what? Then now is the time I need YOU to do it. YOU show me what YOU have planned as far as new houses go. And just know, I am really going to miss my hard wood vaulted ceilings, but whatever. You got this...". 

The outcome is always surprisingly just what we need. 100% accurate every time. Without fail, His plan always turns out to be better than I ever expected. And then some.His answer:

"Yes. I got this. Those hardwood ceilings you're bitching about, the neighborhood swimming pool you just joined, the yard and space you want? I have it for you. I just need you to take a detour today and go have a harmless, curious peek at that house your husband found online and told you to wait and watch. Just go look. You know you want to and I know how much you hate the thought of waiting. What can possibly happen if you just trust me and go with it?".

A new beginning. That's what happened. And I think Jessie Mae is totally down with it...