Thursday, June 2, 2011

Mommy Wannabe


this has been imported from my former blog "Words & Wonderings of Katiedarling"

 Well, it's funny how things turn out sometimes. I remembered the other day, that I had described myself as such back when I was trying to think of how to describe this blog. 'Mommy Wannabe' was meant as a humorous way to say "been trying to get pregnant for more than 3 years without any luck." But, as luck would have it, or more precisely, as God's grace would have it, it has finally happened!!!! Mind you, it's roughly about four weeks, or so and I will have my first prenatal visit in a couple of days. I am sure I should be holding back on some of my excitement until I am a few more weeks in, but after so long and slow a journey of trying to get here, I find it quite difficult to contain myself! I also find it quite difficult to sleep through an entire night without taking at least seven trips to the loo before dawn breaks! 
  
 I guess that comes with the territory, though. I am definitely not complaining, either. (Ok, so maybe I am, a bit) I know there are many changes about to take place. Physically, mentally and emotionally. I expect that the constant need to pee is among the least of my worries. Particularly, miscarriage. Which really wasn't something I expected when I began to write this particular blog entry back in March. Because that is exactly how that story ended. Before I even had a chance to begin the second paragraph, It happened. I showed up to my first prenatal visit consumed with the worrying that begins when a first time pregnancy has symptoms of bleeding and spotting. The doctor confirmed the bleeding, but gently reminded me that it isn't so abnormal and we scheduled a visit with a specialist the following week.

     Sure enough, on what was to be the first day of my sixth week, I was scheduled to have my first ultrasound in the Perinatologist's office. Some time in the middle of the night, it was done. I was awakened with terrible pain and the bleeding had become pretty intense. I knew. There was no question, it was over, but it was too late to cancel the appointment. The ride to the doctors office, although short, felt like hours in the car. I was able to keep somewhat composed until my name was called by the nurse. She asked me how I was feeling and the flood gates were open. I know it caught her off guard. I replied that I was tired and she said "well, that sweet baby is probably keeping you awake at night...". When I replied "there is no baby, I'm having a miscarriage", I know she was stunned. Half of me felt bad for her, the other half wanted to ask her if she wanted some ranch dressing for her toes, since she was now standing there with her foot in her mouth. I of course, did not. That would have made the whole thing more uncomfortable. I just asked if she could send my husband back, if he was allowed in for the ultrasound. Well, that ultrasound confirmed my suspicions and the doctor recommended that we wait  about 3 months to try again. He gently reminded us that the loss of a pregnancy before 20 weeks occurs with 1 in 3 pregnancies and also that our ages (I am 37, my husband 45) and my medical history with medications could have played a part but, there really was no way of knowing. It just wasn't a viable pregnancy.

Although, I was devastated, at first. After a couple of days I realized I was still very hopeful. And just as defiant as ever. I told my husband, "F**k waiting three months! We've waited three and a half years trying, I won't wait any longer". And we didn't. I agreed to only one normal cycle, then we would begin trying on the next go round.

    And here we are now, it is May 17th, 2011, and we have managed to do it again on the first try. I am right back to where I started this blog entry 2 months ago. 4 weeks pregnant, peeing like crazy and wondering what God has planned for us, now? Whatever it is, I am ready. Bring it!!!